.:Psycho Chouchou:.

29th May 2012

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I don’t know why but I think of you quite much these days. I don’t regret leaving you. If we can start over once again, I guess everything will be the same. I will still have that crimson flame of passion, and it will still turn into something grey.

But I catch myself thinking of you. Or to be precise, of our memories, of what we had together. Of a story that ends before it begins.

I don’t know. I re-read that file once again, and now my eyes are teary and I’m emotional. Though I don’t know what this emotion is.

For one year, I have looked at you as a normal person, of that very moment. But now, when I think of you, I’m thinking of someone-I-used-to-love. In tender fondness and nostalgia.

And since I knew what love is, I’ve always yearned for true love.
But I don’t even care for that one’s happiness.
I don’t even love anyone for who they are.
I just care abt who I am to them, how they feel about me.
It’s just myself myself myself.
Who do I wanna please when pampering someone? Actually it’s me.
When I “love”, it’s about myself.
When I stop loving, it’s still about myself. I’m sad, because I feel empty. That fact hurts me. Not like the significant pain when being heartbroken. But an empty pain, if that makes sense.
It’s just sad, right?
I lost, or to be more accurate: I’ve never had faith in life. Because to me life is sad & ugly. Including me. I always yearn for sth beautiful, but is my soul beautiful? It’s ugly because life doesn’t offer sth nice that it wants. Or it’s just originally ugly?

This will pass soon. Besides yourself, and your family, everything can turn into some mere pictures that once in a while you will take them out of your mind, look at them and smile bittersweetly. But baby, among the songs I love, these 3 will always be yours: Last Snow.The Blood, the Wine, the Roses. Killing Me Killing You. The last one is truly the last, maybe the best/the most beautiful, and also the ugliest.

3rd April 2012

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Ahhh~ have just lost someone special :’D when was my last time? Sometimes it’s me who left. Sometimes it’s just both of us losing each other. Sometimes it’s losing someone that’s not worth it (and after a while I’d think fuck I was so damn stupid ==, or feeling nothing at all).

Have cried a lot :’D mah, is this the 1st time I cry for a friend, not for someone I “like/love”? And I suddenly realized this: now I don’t have anyone to cry with.

Lol so I don’t worth anyfuckingthing at all :’D

This time I don’t hate myself for being emotionally attached to someone, but in the end, it’s just another sad story.

6th January 2012

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I’m sorry, my crimson flame of passion turns into sth grey.

 That’s just sad.

 I’m not able to love, I know.

Just a crush, and obsession. And it lasts for just 6 months.

And since I knew what love is, I’ve always yearned for true love.

But I don’t even care for that one’s  happiness.

I don’t even love anyone for who they are.

I just care abt who I am to them, how they feel about me. Then why don’t I go love those who love me? Why torturing myself (in a short time)?

It’s just myself myself myself. There are people I truly love, because they are my family, and that never changes. I’m selfish. Not like I wanna change. Because I won’t find my true love anw. So just be selfish. But I hurt myself too.

Who do I wanna please when pampering someone? Actually it’s me.

When I “love”, it’s about myself.

When I stop loving, it’s still about myself. I’m sad, because I feel empty. That fact hurts me. Not like the significant pain when being heartbroken. But an empty pain, if that makes sense.

But I’m happy too. No, relieved. To the sad point.

Like yeah no more sadness. No more having somebody affect me. 

A bit from my diary months ago. Whenever I know I’m blinded by love (well obsession), I tell myself “Some emotions would be nice. It’s not love huh, that’s ok. Just do what you wanna do girl”. But when I’m out of love, it’d be “it’s the best to be emotionally independent (because for me it’s always “madly in love” xD)”

Re-read that diary yesterday. And today my life (aka my job aka money) is totally fucked up. It hurts even more than being heartbroken =)) well it’s another kind of heartbreak: no money = no fandom stuff = no love xD

Mah~~~ I feel lonely and wanna feel human’s warmth now, some cuddling/making out. Ha, I hate myself being totally weak like this. My friend once said why I like going against human instinct. Maybe just an weakling pretending to be strong. Sad but true but to me “needing someone” equals “pathetic”.

Ah stomachache again~ fuck you boss.